I have been dating since I’m 13. That’s when I became a man.
That’s 52 years of dating. OK, I was married for six years so I have actually
been dating 50 years. I’ve never had a problem finding women to go out with…
until now.
What is it with the dating sites and the personal ads? It’s
all so crazy and it keeps on getting more and more insane by the hour.
I hope anyone who sees this blog, if you have had stranger
experiences than mine, you’ll post a reply.
So here goes…
One woman I met on e-harmony. We finally got together over coffee.
It was our first meeting and I was on my best behavior. I’m taking a sip and
she blurts out, “I had sex with the angel Gabriel!”
I wanted to keep it clean so I said, “Oh… so you were
touched by an angel?” She says, “WELL HE DIDN’T TOUCH ME!!!”
I said, “Check please…”
Every woman in her ad says she wants a guy with a sense of
humor. What bulls***! One woman said she was beautiful and wanted a guy with a
sense of humor. I have a sense of humor and I was looking for a beautiful woman.
I wrote back and asked her to send me a picture. In the picture she was riding
a horse. I typed, “I received your picture… You’re the one in the hat and the
sunglasses, right?”
She was not looking for a sense of humor.
The crap she wrote back to me about how I was a stalking
f*** and she hoped I died a and painful death… C’mon… my email was funny!
How about this one? In her emails another woman told me she
was 37. I got to her door I found she must have been dyslexic. I asked her if
her daughter was home.
But the kicker is this one. I finally found a woman who got
my sense of humor. When we spoke
on the phone the first time it was one of those great three hour conversations.
This was someone I really wanted to meet.
We ended up meeting at a jazz club on Santa Monica in Encino which was
her favorite.
When she called me to tell me exactly where the place was,
things started to change. She said, “I wanted to tell you… I don’t look like my
picture.” “What do you mean?” I said. She told me here hair was really short
and platinum blond. I told her that could be very artistic and don’t worry
about it.
I got to the club and she looked good. Very cute and the
platinum blond was actually a good look. We were sitting and listening to jazz
and talking, talking, talking about anything and everything. She was laughing
and things were going superbly.
Periodically she would go outside to have a smoke. I’m not a
fan of smoking and thought I could put up with that one vice. I was taking into
account the personality and all the rest of what it was like being with her. I
figured she would just never come to my place as I didn’t want that lingering
smell pervading my home.
When we left I walked her to her car and she was going to
drive me to mine. As we sat in the car she said, “This is the first time I’ve
gone out with anyone in a long time.” “Why,” I said. “Well, I had an operation
and this is the first time I’ve gotten out since.” “What kind of operation?” I
asked. “I had a double mastectomy a year or so ago and…”
Talk about a 180 from the moment before. What ever happened
to keeping a couple of secrets until the second or third date. I asked many
questions and she explained the whole thing to me. She also told me it was my
loss… she used to be a 36 D. Yes, that was a big loss, I have always been a fan
of the boobs.
Here’s the thing. I felt I was maturing even as we spoke. I
put aside my physical desires to have things perfect. I was looking at the
person in front of me and how much fun we were having and how bright she was
and all the rest of what was going on.
During our verbal exchange, we were talking about games we
liked to play and I mentioned that I loved to play cribbage. She invited me
over to her house to play cribbage and I was thrilled because it’s rare to find
people at my age who like to play my favorite game.
I arrived at her apartment and we started to play and the
conversation was once again fantastic and filled with all kinds of jokes and
laughter. A half hour in she excused herself to go into the kitchen and she
brought out a two foot square tray. On the tray was an assortment of white
lines. Now, I had not done coke in quite a while. I mean like a decade or so.
“What’s that,” I said.
“Meth.”
To say I was floored would be the most huge understatement
ever made by any person on this earth. I didn’t know people even did Meth
anymore. To me it was so 70’s. For the rest of the evening, she would do a
couple of lines every half hour or so.
I could not wrap my mind around the fact that here was a
woman who had cancer. Not only did she smoke (which was bad enough), now she added
meth to her drug regime!
Here’s the funny part… she started complaining about the
fact that meals on wheels would bring her food everyday and she was never
hungry enough to eat it. She showed me her fridge which contained at least 20
containers worth of meals. Could it be a bi-product of the meth which doesn’t
allow you to eat?
I left knowing I would never go on a dating site again.
Why is it so hard?
